Image via Flickr by where are the joneses
A few weeks ago, we talked about how to cope with the nasty voice in your head that tries to keep you from taking risks by cutting you down or scaring you away from whatever leap you're considering taking.
Soon after that post, I heard a piece on NPR about a study on how different kinds of self talk affect people. Long story short, the way you talk to yourself has a powerful effect on how you perceive yourself, which in turn shows up in big ways in how you interact with the world.
Sounds obvious, right?
So what are we supposed to do, say nothing but nice things to ourselves all the time? That just sounds... unreasonable. Sometimes we screw up. Sometimes self-criticism is healthy. Sometimes we all need a kick in the ass, don't we? So what then?
Get this. A doctor at the University of Pennsylvania has identified two things you can do to prevent 'negative self talk' from doing damage, and instead use it to help you improve:
- Avoid pejorative language.
- Talk to yourself in the third person.
The first one is the difference between "Well that sucked" and "I dropped a line and it rattled me, so I didn't do my best work." The former is bound to make you feel bad; the latter gives you something actionable to focus on in the future. Choose nonjudgmental words when you talk to yourself.
The second one is kinda magical. Studies are beginning to show that by simply thinking of ourselves in the third person, we create enough distance to take the sting out of self-criticism and use it as a tool for improvement instead. So instead of saying, "I dropped a line and it rattled me, so I didn't do my best work", I'd say, "Rebecca, you dropped a line and it rattled you, so you didn't do your best work." That tiny shift allows me to hear it as an objective criticism and think about what I can do to improve on it next time, rather than internalizing it and using it to beat myself up.
(A lot of us already do this. I wander around muttering to myself out loud in the third person all the time... "Rebecca, you just had your keys. What did you do with them?" So the next time someone makes fun of me for it, I'm going to say, "IT'S GOOD FOR ME! THEY DID A STUDY!")
Here's an idea. Put a reminder in your phone that for the next week, you're going to practice these two tips when you talk to yourself; No pejorative language, and use the third person. Then come back and tell us how it goes!
Speaking of talking to ourselves, congratulations to reader & friend Caroline Fogarty, who emailed this week to say:
Hey girl!
I booked a one liner on my fave show Parks and Rec.
I told myself to slap it before I walked in the room.
WOOHOO!!! (And if you don't know what SLAP means, get on it! It works!)